I had a little sob on the front porch this evening with my mother. I feel like I am nearing the end of my emotional & physical strength; like I’m going to run out of chemo-steam before the chemo-train is done takin me for a ride. I’m not there yet, but I feel it coming. It’s like every fiber of my being is screaming at me “what are you doing… you remember how awful it was 2 weeks ago, don’t go back… listen Tam, I really think this chemo thing is designed to kill us… you’re crazy to keep letting them do this to you!”
Every other week as I near chemo day my fight or flight response starts to whisper “you can’t win this one, just sit this one out, remember how it knocked us out last time; please don’t do it to us again”. That Tuesday morning I have a self preservation siren that is screaming code red in my head telling me to abort the mission as I drive to the hospital. How long can someone ignore themselves in the best interests of themselves?
Paragraph one “you’re crazy to keep letting them do this to you!” After puke treatment 5 I decided I needed to disengage myself during chemo visits in order not to become overwhelmed by the process of putting in the needle, receiving the drugs and really just acknowledging that I was there and that was happening, because sights and sounds of the hospital were making me physically sick. Did Pavlov’s dog barf at the sound of the saline drip? Somehow I’ve trained myself to; so I disengage, pretend I’m not there and block out what’s going on around me. The problem I’m now having with that is a feeling like this is being done to me, and it perpetuates the reality that I am not in control of this, and I can’t stop it. (Cancer or treatment)
In the beginning I felt in control, I was a willing participant; I’m no longer willing and as much as I hate the word, I feel like I’m being molested every 2 weeks. Every 2 weeks I don’t want to drive there, I don’t want the needles, I don’t want the drugs, I don’t want to sit there for 3 hours while it burns up my arms. So I close my eyes and try to will myself to sleep or pretend I’m asleep and that I don’t feel the chemo or hear other peoples cancer conversations, and I walk out feeling (well sick and disoriented) but also wronged… like it was wrong of them to that to me because I’m not willing.
So I’m emotionally stuck. In the beginning I felt like had a choice, and the choice was to embrace the treatment in a calm rational manner. I mentally can control my outlook and chose to make the experiences positive. Except now I’m like a dog that’s been kicked to many times for wagging it’s tail and my body is taking over and declaring my mind unfit, because it’s evident to my body that we (I) need to be in panic mode and stop wagging my tail at it. “I’m being attacked, panic, panic”. Yet if I choose to shut it all out and endure, my self preservation siren still goes off screaming “how can you let them do this to you emotionally, and by the way it is still happening physically!”
Mind and body don’t want to do it regardless of whether I embrace it, acknowledge it or ignore it and pretend… there’s no foolin me. If only I was schizophrenic, then only one of me would have to go through this. The rest of me could just carry on “la de da”, although it would be hard to explain the hair loss to the other me’s.
