I started to disconnect towards the end of my post treatment consultation with the doctor. I tried to stay engaged and present so I could remember my questions, but it didn’t really matter I wasn’t listening to the answers anymore. I shut down after “3 more months” and “blood transfusion”. I can’t help it; it’s just the way I am. If the reaction coming forth is too much, I shut it down… I’m a zombie at weddings and funerals; the emotional weight overwhelms me into a quite delirium.
I floated out of the hospital and replaced my quite delirium with quite mania. It’s a crazy I’ve just checked out kind of feeling where everything spins around me and I’m sure I get this “I’ve snapped” gleam in my eyes circa Chevy Chase, Christmas Vacation. It’s not a rage, just a deep revolution inside that it’s not alright, none of this is alright… and I’m gonna damn well make it right! You’re only aware of it when you see your nails have left marks in your clenched fists, your jaw starts to ache from being set or you throw eggs at some bitch’s car who wronged you… that’s another story. Needless to say it’s a real fixated mental divide; sshhh Tammy’s gone to her postal place.
In the car I white knuckled the steering wheel trying to figure out what was next and was lulled further into my mania by the introspective intro to “Won’t get fooled again” by The Who. Synthesizer’s rock! When experiencing a revolution you need reflective revolutionary music, thank you radio gods! As I listened I raged at the reality that cancer can kill me and I raged at my foolishness, and arrogance in thinking that it wouldn’t. I was so sure that eight months of chemotherapy would be enough and by February I would be smug with my answers “yes, that’s right I did beat a life threatening illness last year” “I know, I know I do look great considering”. So foolish, I had underestimated cancer, but perhaps still not over estimated myself. I resolved when it comes to cancer, I won’t get fooled again!
Then the music shifted my emotions with the first chorus of “A day in the life” by The Beatles… “I read the news today, oh boy”. It’s always been one of my favorite songs. There’s a quite sadness in the beginning that makes you feel a little lost and helpless about all the things that happen in life. And then just as you’re about to sink into your own self pity the orchestra spirals out of control and drags you into what you must do… “woke up, got outta bed and dragged a comb across my head”. The music comes back around and you realize that this is just the cycle of life; good and bad life just goes on. I resolved that this is just the way it is, crazy or not, and the finality of that thought was solidified with a final boom on the piano keys.
The final song to end my music therapy starts with a ticking countdown that pumped me up into the final stage of my manic epiphany, ahhh the power of Loverboy! While I worked out all the things I’m going to do to beat cancer, I sang at the top of my lungs. It was a real lunatic moment reflected in the eyes of the dude next to me at the stop light… my ear flap ski hat really completed the crazy picture. “I’ve had all I can take, I can’t take it no more, I’m gonna pack my bags and ffffllllllllyyyyy…. my way, or no way at all!” If you scream that part, you still wont sound as good as Loverboy, but you will resolve that from now on this cancer thing is gonna happen, my way… or no way at all!
