I’m afraid for this to end. I have just two more scheduled treatments to do, and you would think it would make it easier to do knowing I’m so close to the end, but it's not. Everyone keeps talking about this ending and me going back to work and back into a normal life and it makes me feel worse - anxious. I've been sick for so long, and feel so run down now it's hard to imagine ever feeling good again. And then going back into my normal life, I don't even know what that is anymore! This whole thing has changed me, I can't quite pin point how but I know I am not myself; I’m going to feel like a stranger in my own day.

Treatments are getting harder physically now in that I feel very nauseous during and after treatment and my body is just not recovering the way it used to. These days I barely have anytime between treatments that I feel good and have a normal amount of energy, my WBC never recovers before the next round now. I’ve upped my Neupogen to 4 shots per cycle, but it’s not really helping and the pain of it is too much for me to do 5 shots. Id rather have low counts and be a slug.

Despite the nausea I have done a fabulous job of eating my way through this experience. I’ve pushed out of most of my jeans and had to buy bigger underwear! Horrifying, I’ve gained weight before but it never pushed me to the next ass size. I keep telling myself Ill deal with the weight after, be happy with the cookies now, but I’m a little afraid I wont have the energy to shape myself up after.

The weight is also tainting my excitement for our upcoming vacation. My family has planned Christmas on a beach to celebrate the end of my treatments and give us all a break from… why we’re going with each other I don’t know? But there is no way I’m getting in a bikini, not that I can get much sun so soon after chemo anyways. So I have this awful picture of myself fat, pale, baldish and in one of those old lady skirted swimsuits knitting in the shade. That’s right I knit!