It feels strange to be planning something fun and interactive with others right now (Sunday stomp) because I'm a mess right now. I am just barely holding it together. I had a blow up with my mother last night after having one on the phone with my grandmother. I'm feeling very alone and resentful of everyone right now.
I didn't sleep a wink last night (which makes this a 4 day stretch) yet still I had to be up early today for a BMT planning meeting at 8am. Then I have spent all day in and out of client appointments trying to hold it together at work. If I'm not busy I’m fighting off tears; so I keep busy!
Part of me wants to talk about it another part of me does not because I feel like I’m going to have a meltdown once I get talking (and crying) and I don't have the time this moment for that. I’m back at the hospital bright and early again tomorrow morning and then a long day at work, so I just can't fall apart right now. I’m going to schedule my mental breakdown for sometime next week.
It is hard to keep up the facade of being okay. I haven't told any of my friends or work about this (going back into treatment) yet. Again mostly because I feel like if I talk about it Ill fall apart, so I’m waiting until I feel emotionally stable again to say what needs to be said. I also will need an incredible amount of help from people this time and I’m afraid to ask them for help. I’m afraid to ask because I’m afraid they will let me down. I don't think they will get the gravity of what is going on and what's going to happen. I don’t think I do either.
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