Big News:

Hey Folks,

Thought I’d send out a big note with some news to my friends. Some of you are closer than others, so please don’t be offended by the mass email, rather all of you should interpret it as a “I care enough to make a point to tell you” and I’m just too tired to try and contact you all individually.

I’ve quietly been having some health problems for awhile that finally lead to a diagnosis this month of Lymphoma. For those of you that don’t know what that is; Lymphoma is a cancer of the Lymphatic system. There are many types of Lymphoma; mine is called Hodgkin’s.

I thought it important to tell you guys because there are going to be lots of changes that will elicit questions. For example: I’m moving from my home in Bells Corners back to my parents in Kanata; so they can take care of me during my treatment… so change of address. Treatment: gotta have chemotherapy and maybe radiation which means I may look different if the red hair goes… and god willing that extra 25 pounds! I’ve also taken a sick leave from Norwalk, and will not be accepting independent client work for awhile.

Somethings are going to stay the same… like my phone number/ email and my ability to reply to them. I will also continue to be a sarcastic pervert, perhaps even more now that I have to compensate for my “temporary” inability to be a drunken slut (no booze allowed)… but I’m not packing away the tit shirts just yet.

What you should do & not do:
You can ask me anything… I too want to know if my pubic hair will also fall out during chemo. lol But I don’t need to hear your “Uncle Larry beat cancer stories”. No ones gonna die here so I don’t need to be compared to Uncle Larry’s colon cancer. Although I completely respect that practically everyone has had contact with cancer in their lives (sad but true these days) and that leaves different impressions on us… just don’t push your impressions on me. I’m quite positive and focused on my recovery.

Hummm… what else? Feeling a little better these days, but still in the hospital for the moment. I know a lot of you are thinking when was she sick? The Lymphoma has been growing for a longtime, we think almost 2 years, but I really only started to feel ill about 6 weeks ago. It spiraled down hill quickly from there to the point where I can’t hide the symptoms from others and have had to stay in the hospital due to complications.

I start treatment this week my understanding is that I will get 3 hours of chemo twice a month for 8 months. Doesn’t sound so bad; think Ill spend the 2 weeks in-between those days sun tanning!

I’m sure I’ll have periods where I feel fine, and others where I feel like shit. I’m hoping that you’ll keep me in the loop for events and such and let me pick and chose when I can come out rather than assume I’m laid up dying at home.

Okay, so that’s the big life changing news from me. There are many of you on this email list that I have not been able to keep up with and celebrate your new (happy) events and for that I am very sorry; but I have been thinking about you.

Your welcome to respond, but I suspect many of you will have that “oh shit what do I say moment”. Don’t do it to yourself, just keep in touch as you usually do, or view this as an opportunity for us to get together more now that I’m not working.

Talk to you soon,
Tamara

I’m trapped in my home with a dirty video.

There are some things you don’t think about when you accept help in personal areas of your life, like the porn in your closet. It’s been there for years, I mean it’s VHS… who owns a video box thingy anymore? (I can’t even think of the name of it, it’s been so long.)

I was done with it a long time ago, how many times can you watch the same people over and over before you start wishing they’d get some new moves. Perhaps old porn is like tired marriage; you are so done with it but can’t find a way to end the relationship (get rid of it) discreetly so you hang on longer than you should.

So here I am 20 minutes away from my mother and her best-friend coming over to help pack up my bedroom to move, running around the house with a black plastic bag of shame. (Thank god I’m not Catholic, Id be a wreck by now bumping around the house thinking my sight is going.)

I can’t think of a good place to stash it. I can’t put it in the garbage, if it was that easy I would have done it long ago; what if a roommate finds it? Can’t keep it in the room were working on, nor the bathroom what if they run out of tp, reach under the counter and surprise! The fridge and the freezer are out… I don’t know, yes I seriously but momentarily thought those would be good hiding spots?

Panic, panic, it wasn’t even that good of a movie, panic, panic…. I know, hide it with the pot. At least if it gets found I’ll be more than a mere pervert, I’ll be a sex-addicted junkie. No such thing as a petty crime for me!

Biospy Blues!

They poked up my arms... bom bom bom bom, they looked at my pee... bom bom bom bom, they stabbed my chest...bom bom bom bom, then frowned at my ekg... oh and it's hard, oh yes it's hard.... to get someone to treat you... that's right it's hard, oh yes it's hard... I gotz the Biopsy Blues!

My Hodgkin's Symptoms

Symptoms starting 2 years prior:
-overnight digestive problems resulting in complete rejection of dairy products – unresolved
-deep maddening itch in lower legs under the surface of the skin – continued until mid-treatment

Symptoms starting 1 year prior:
-shooting pain down my left arm & tingling in my hand – got worse
-odd sound in my chest when I lay on my back, like a hollow rattle only I could hear
-fatigue – started skipping work outs, dropped out of jujitsu, thought I was lazy

Symptoms starting 6 months prior:
-pain spread from my left arm to the left side of my upper back
-always out of breath, couldn’t walk a flight of stairs without huffing & puffing
-started coming home after working and napping
-nose started running all the time, a steady drip
-daily headaches
-dizzy hot spells during the day
-trouble breathing when I slept on my left side

Symptoms starting 3 months prior: above symptoms worsened
-pain was so bad in my upper back some nights Id slip into the kitchen and throw back a few shots of Rum for instant relief & sit up crying for hours – was taking Naproxen daily
-could no longer sleep on my back or left side – only on my right side with my left arm propped up hugging several pillows, thus keeping my chest cavity as open as possible for air
-night sweats started

Symptoms starting 6 weeks prior: above symptoms worsened to walking Zombie stage
-dry cough started, later became a wet cough as Pleural & Pericardial effusion (fluid around the heart & lungs) began to rise
- daily episodes of heart racing & sweats

After 6 weeks of coughing I went to the doctor who ordered a chest x-ray, we found the mass & my health deteriorated quickly from there



Notes:
Where was my doctor in all this?
Throughout the 2 years leading up to a diagnosis I would visit my doctor every few months or as new symptoms presented. He was often reluctant to pursue problems or gave simple “live with it” explanations for troubles. I did push every now and then for further investigation and got referrals to specialists that often resulted in dead ends, which I would accept. Even as the pain progressed I was often pacified with an “it’s nothing” response despite my physical discomfort. (My mother gave me her Naproxen for her Bursitis because the Dr. wouldn’t prescribe anything)
A few months prior to my x-ray the Dr. was frustrated with my increased visits about the same problems and told me the pain was likely in my head and perhaps I had a personality disorder. I was so mad and didn’t know what to do anymore, that’s why I waited until my cough was so bad before I went back to him; and even then he was reluctant to order an x-ray.