Canada Day - Pity Party - BYOP (Peanutbutter)

I seem to be writing this a lot lately:
“I just realized I didn’t send you a note back when you wrote me last week… duh! I am having a really rough time with the memory these days; I hear “they” call it chemo brain. Passing thoughts get filled into the “done & sent” pile before I get a chance to do them. (I think I’m getting way more done than I actually am – good for the ego, bad for production. Lol)”

Just came back from chemo, feel yucky this time. Most times I tolerate the drugs going in well and then in 48 hours I start to feel queasy, this time that feeling started the moment I was hooked up. Bourns! I’m not really a “I’m gonna puke kinda girl” (Id like to think its years of Jägermeister shots at the bar that have conditioned my stomach for chemo… I knew all that drinking would come in handy!) so when I say I’m nauseous , I mean it’s an overall off feeling that makes me feel icky and sometimes have a bad taste in my mouth. You know that feeling “after” a night of drinking and puking - minus the drinking and puking – that’s what I get. Although I really do think they should serve me a real cocktail with my chemo cocktail just to make it all better!

Had to pass up Canada Day plans, which are too bad as I think this is the first C-Day that it hasn’t rained in 5 years. I would have liked to be downtown today to see the buskers and fireworks on Parliament Hill tonight. So I’m trying to catch up on my notes listening to Jamiroquai on the itunes. (I can’t believe it’s been over 10 years since this album, Travelling Without Moving – 1996, came out!) (I can’t believe I’m not 16 anymore!!!) That’s it I’m hitting the 90’s dance mix next!

I’m feeling much better than I was last night mood wise. I was just furious at my mother last night when I learned from a friend that she has continued to send out “tam updates” to my friends and family. I knew that two months ago when I was in the hospital she was keeping everybody up to date, but I thought that had stopped once I got out. The when I went to send out photos and an update from my Martini’s for Hodgkin’s event I learned that she had beat me to it. Way to steal my thunder!

I have so few things in life right now that keep me busy and in communication with my world, that I feel like she was taking that outlet away from me because she needed something to keep her busy. We talked about it after the party and she seemed to understand about not sending out my big news but I guess had continued on with bi-weekly updates. Fast forward one month and I’m sitting here wondering why my friends and family out of town haven’t contacted me in months to see how I’m doing? I only learned about it last night when I sent out an update to a friend and she replied that she knew all about my current med’s and status thanks to Mum’s updates, and what else was new? Well shit – nothing! My new job day in and day out is taking care of me; some days it’s all I have to talk about.

It’s hard moving back home when it’s not on your terms, my cancer is very unreasonable. I’ve had to take a leave of absence from work, stop consulting independently too, have giant needles stabbed into my chest (biopsies) and back (bone marrow), have an oh-so unpleasant heart and lung draining, no one ever gives me anesthesia!, pack up my whole life into a storage unit and move me and my shoes back home (shoes – couldn’t afford a big enough storage unit. Lol) I’m back into my old bedroom recreated next door to my “very different from me sister” who answers most “questuccusations” with “whatever Tam” and the whole family eats different peanut butter than I do… grumble.

It’s hard to want/ accept help from people who eat gross peanut butter (ha!), even when you need it. It’s like sending someone to the store for PB and they come back with chunky… even there best efforts piss you off sometimes. Or maybe the chunky/ smooth debate is old news that went away when you moved out on your own, but now you’re back and their chunky peanut butter is hard to swallow some days.