My eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning now along with what’s left of my hair. I hate what I look like in the morning. Some nights I go to bed sad that I’m alone in this, but I always wake up thankful that no man has to see this. But then my thought circles round again; if I were loved they would find me beautiful anyways and I would have someone to go to bed with. Hummm…
I do think inner beauty goes a long way, and that I do poses enough of it in the absence of my outer attributes to get me by. It just takes as much effort to invoke it on a daily basis as it does to paint on outer beauty. I’ve never had to call on it so much before; my inner beauty was a bonus, an “on top” of my outer beauty. I’m habitually described as “tall, gorgeous “and secondly,” funny or cool” by them to their buddies. Now I don’t know what they say, and that makes me nervous. I’ve always had a clear idea of my sexual appeal, and am learning how much I valued and needed it as part of my identity when dealing with… well everyone, not just men. Outer beauty was a tool I used to lure them in. People don’t see inner beauty in brief encounters, they see bald chick.
In someone’s day of dealing with the public, at the end of the day they can usually only recall 2 or 3 people that stand out in there mind; the rest are a blur of nobodies. I’m sure I was always one of those 2 or 3 and took pride in standing out in someone’s mind. Id hate to be part of the blur, the nobodies, to not register on their radar or worse yet register as something odd in their day.
More acceptance, patience and confidence is required for this note. Ha, acceptance… I was cleaning out the bathroom this morning and I can’t get rid of my hair elastics or clips! I’ve got a brush cut now, but who knows when those might come in handy? Maybe a friend will stop by with a hair emergency or Ill get trapped in the bathroom in a life or death situation and have to MacGyver myself out with a barrette and scrunchy. Yes, these are all very good reason to hang these things…. If I cannot master acceptance, patience and confidence today, then I will work on my ingenuity and MacGyver skills.
1 comment:
You are beautiful, Tam. I know how you feel, though. My ten-year high school reunion is next week, and all I can think about is should I wear a scarf, my wig? They all know I've got cancer, so why wear the wig? I shaved my head weeks ago and still can't get used to seeing myself in the mirror. And before I shower, I still reach up to take the clip out of my hair... the one that always used to be there every morning. It's really hard. I was watching some talk show and they were highlighting this woman who got cancer, had to go through chemo, and started buying all this "Life is Good" crap. Like shirts and hats and shit. Whatever. Life is good. Life on chemo sucks big fat ass. I can't wait to get back to my old self, and I'm sure you know what I mean. Someday soon this will be behind us, dear. Just keep your eye on the prize: sexy, healthy nodes.
Post a Comment