The root of the problem

Well my hair didn’t grow back in rich, luxurious or curly; it’s grey – field mouse grey. So I decided it was time to do something about it, but there is no way I’m jumping back on the hair dye wagon. Earlier in my research into what causes lymphoma I constantly came across the suggestions (no proof, research in progress) that pesticides, and chemical hair dyes may be culprits.

Now I haven’t’ been rolling around in a freshly sprayed grub-free lawn, but I don’t eat organic vegetables, (yet) so there’s a possible infiltration source. I do/ did dye my hair religiously every month since I was 14. Seriously, I’m not sure about god, but I know Clairol has always been my savior! Could it be my faith was misguided?

I started looking into alternate hair dyes which lead me to hennas and chemical ingredients to avoid in colourants. Thus far I know I’m looking for something ammonia, resorcinol, paraben, phenylenediamines (PPD) and hydrogen peroxide free; good luck lady! It would take to long for me to outline the concerns with each of these chemicals, just Google them and nasty stuff will come up; I will however get into PPD’s.

This one is great, listed as a potential (means not yet confirmed so go ahead and lather it on until we figure it out) carcinogen (cancer-causing agent) used in hair dyes, rubbers, textiles dyes and pigments. This one seems the worst to me, and yet it is found in every “natural” hair colouring product I have looked up, not to mention the chemical colouring products I used to use like Clairol. What to do?

So I went to the mall to pick up a book I saw awhile back called Gorgeously Green. It outlines concerns with traditional home, beauty, lifestyle and food products, and then gives you alternative products to use. Sounds great, someone has done a bunch of the work for me right? Wrong! First section I opened up to, hair dyes, states “the following dyes contain no harmful chemicals:” So I bought the first brand on the list to try out and right on the packaging it lists PPD’s in the ingredients.

So I don’t know what to do anymore??? I want to be part of this fashionable world that we live in where products can enhance the outside you, but not if they might kill the inside me. To carry on using the same night creams, eye make-up’s, hair dyes etc that I know are filled with chemicals that are bad for me seems as reckless as smoking.

So I’m stuck; grey haired and wiser to the world of what can kill me, but I’m jealous of those who’s bleached highlights, fake nails and glitter scream ‘blissfully ignorant and lookin good!’ I miss my misguided faith.

just eat it.

I’ve been thinking about cracking open my cancer diet & lifestyle books again. In the beginning I was all gun-ho to get the latest books and overhaul my diet to eat things that directly supported my health and didn’t contribute to the cancer.

Ya that went out the window after reading, it never made it execution! I actually had a very basic low fat diet (with a side of chocolate) before I got sick. I didn’t add salt or sugars to stuff, I eat cereals that tasted like cardboard because they’re healthy, low fat everything and dairy free; I’m a soy girl. But I couldn’t even keep up dietary habits let alone improve upon them once this ride got started for two reasons: I started losing my taste buds, and my parents took over the cooking.

One of the joys of moving out on your own as an adult is that you get to do things your way. You get to try new foods, experiment, create your own method of sustaining yourself. The joy of moving back home when you have cancer is that your family can take care of you, and slowly kill you with their methods of sustaining themselves! This evening I saw my father put a quarter cup of salt in a 2 liter pot of water to boil pasta, a quarter cup over a pinch! When I commented about cholesterol levels he was like “you don’t want to eat it, the peanut butter is in the cupboard!” I’m too tired to make my own meals, I ate the clogged artery spaghetti and man was it good!

I also lost the eat well battle to taste buds. After 3 months I couldn’t taste my low fat soy milk, started drinking high fat vanilla soy in my new sugary cereal; bye bye spelt flakes. All the books I was reading encouraged me to embrace a raw food diet. Yes after a rough day of chemo that’s exactly what the body wants, chunks of cold carrots and broccoli, no no Ill pass on the Tim Horton’s fruit explosion muffin give me roughage!

Low Key Last Chemo

I just said goodbye to my WeCare nurse; it’s hard to believe that I may never see her again. No matter how bad I felt on any particular day I always looked forward to having her visit weekly while she flushed my picc line. I guess that’s the mark of a good nurse when you see them as someone who comes to visit you not just take care of you.

I had my last scheduled chemo treatment yesterday. It went down without incident but not really as planned. Everyone kept telling me that this should be an occasion for celebration so I tried to put something’s together for my last trip to medical daycare but no one really seemed interested in helping. I guess it’s like your birthday when people say “it’s your birthday, when are you planning your party?” “I don’t know, when you planning my party – I’m the one with the birthday!”

Ya so in-between all the commotion over the week-end I baked 2 dozen cookies, decorated them, shopped for a cookie tin, a card and then tried to put the whole thing together Tuesday morning in-time for chemo. It wasn’t really coming together in-time, I was late to chemo and neither my mother or I brought a camera so I was feeling very frustrated and disgruntled at the fact that if this is supposed to be a celebration for everyone over my accomplishment, that everyone pushed me into celebrating; why am I the one that had to do all the work?

As it turned out none of my usual nurses where there, it wasn’t the usual chemo crowd, there was no pictures, no cookies, no onslaught of well wishes (and no balloons or strippers – a girl can hope!) rather the last chemo visit just passed quietly - done and gone. Sometimes big moments on the inside aren’t that big on the outside, and I'm okay with that.

Just breathe

So I drove myself to the ER. Don’t you love it when a story starts like that? Because you know the person telling the tale is either someone who lacks perspective on what a real emergency is, or really stupid and lacks perspective on the real nature of their emergency. You be the judge.

So I drove myself to the ER on Saturday after a breathing attack. My ability to catch my breath had been deteriorating for about a few weeks to the point where I could only take shallow breaths and getting down the stairs to get my cereal required multiple stops. So I fixed the problem by barely getting off the couch. Then the breathing attacks started when I did exert myself (like walk to the bathroom), so I pulled out an old puffer I was prescribed BC (before cancer) to help.

Finally I had an attack Saturday afternoon that left me seeing stars and that scared me into going to get it checked out. Of course I waited until my family was out of town and the doctors offices were closed, so I drove myself in the snow storm to the ER.

I was into see a doctor in good time and then a few tests. I did a chest x-ray, and ECG and blood-work that included a D-dimer test. The x-ray was of no help, the ECG showed tachycardia (rapid heart rate) and I tested positive for a possible blood-clot… oh and low blood pressure. The doctor wanted me to have a lung VQ scan which would show us what we needed to know, but the machine wasn’t available on week-ends so he insisted on a CAT scan to look for the clot and I said “no way!”

I have had 3 or 4 CAT scans this year during the diagnosis phase; 2 of them nobody bothered to put the protective skirt over my reproductive parts and I didn’t know any better. Anyways I explained to him that I had applied for the PET scan program for my after chemo scan in January to avoid more CAT scans aka. radiation as I wasn’t keen on unnecessary scans and I would wait until Monday for the lung VQ. He told me I might die in my sleep tonight and I was getting the CAT.

I gave in but my body would not. My destroyed circulatory system refused to provide a vein big enough for the contrast dye injection so I was given a 24h shot of Heparin (blood thinner) and sent on my way with a referral for a lung VQ, junkie looking arms, a smug smile and a new phobia about going to sleep.

I spent most of Sunday in the Thrombosis department getting a lung VQ (open on the week-ends!!!) which was inconclusive. So I was given another 24h shot of Heparin, a referral for a leg ultrasound… because I guess that’s where blood-clots hide and guess what another CAT scan suggestion!

By Monday the ultrasound showed no clots and I was feeling better, so it could have been that the Heparin did the job or this may just be what it’s like at the final stages of chemo? (God how awful!!!) My body just might be so run down and attacked that some of my organs are having a little trouble doing their job. If that’s the case I would think they would function better again as my body repairs and recovers from chemo? I have a Cardiologist apt in a week to assess this.

Moral of the story: Don’t wait till you can’t breathe, don’t drive yourself anywhere when you can’t breathe and don’t hang on every breath of every doctor you encounter… because if they are only looking at one part of you, they are not looking out for all of you.