After all that I met with my hematologist to look at my latest CAT scan. First request, get my PICC line put back in ASAP and then discuss a treatment schedule so we could start coordinating my caretakers for the up and coming BMT this month.
Except the first thing he said was that “the CAT scan looked good, the mass has shrunk further and I think we’ll hold off on the BMT for awhile… I’d like to go with the wait and see approach” “See you in 3 months.” Whoa wha? It seems while I’ve been off planning for the worst my body has been givin em her best.
Funny my first response was not relief, it was annoyance and then guilt. But I’m ready! I’ve done allot of emotional prep-work over the last couple of months coming to terms with so much uncertainty and fear about what could happen during the BMT and then finally hit that “I’m ready, lets do this shit whatever happens happens” place… and nothings happenin! I should feel relief, but I feel emotionally jilted.
I feel guilty now too that things are going well. My parents just paid for a bunch of babies-on-ice, my Aunt just took me on a “one last hurrah” trip and my ‘everyone’ has been weighed down by my BMT news in Jan. I feel like I’ve cried wolf…. But it wasn’t me, it was the cancer! (sure, sure)
Whew… now that I’ve got the doubt outta me I think I can move into my happy place… at least for the next 3 months. I’m gonna make tacos and PinaColadas tonight, pretend like we’re celebrating my ovaries (what you don’t have family dinners like that?) and then casually tell them “I’ve refused to go into treatment this month!” and watch their faces drop… tee hee!
Being bad about good news is so much fun sometimes;)
1 comment:
I"m so sorry you're still going through all you're going through. Where do things stand with you now? How did the treatment take, how big are the masses, what is next to get rid of it all?
My CT scans are clean, but I'm anemic now. Taking iron supplements three times a week. Sad news is, even when scans say cancer's gone, it's never gone. Story follows me every minute of every day.
Let me know how you're doing.
Tara
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