I'm lost and I'm not feeling very good about myself lately. I'm doing everything right, but it just feels all wrong. I get up, I go to work, I eat well, I exercise (not as much as I should – but that’s no the point… in-fact that’s pretty same old same old) and I socialize, I go to the movies, I make inappropriate jokes about what people are wearing and I flip off slow drivers… you know the same shit I always did.
I’m the same, but I'm not the same. There are so many little ways, mannerisms, thoughts and actions that I take that are perfectly normal for the situation but I'm surprised they came from me. I’ve changed, and of course things around me are always changing but my reliable reactions and responses have changed. I find myself thinking “what would Tamara do?” because it’s not second nature to just do it.
In this scene Tamara will be playing the role of Tamara, wow she is good… just like the real Tamara; you’d be hard pressed to tell them apart.
It’s hard to feel like you’re really living when your playing the role of who you used to be until you figure out who you are. This feeling of not really living, rather just existing is with me constantly and is perpetuated on so many levels. It starts with not having a plan. We don’t know if the cancer is gone, and if it is, we don’t know if it’s coming back so I'm just waiting.
How do you get up and get involved in any aspect of life when you never know when today’s plans will change or where tomorrows will take you? I don’t work like that; I need larger plans and goals, so I am really struggling on a fundamental level and existing CAT scan to CAT scan.
The funny thing is I didn’t really know that about myself until now. Well I did and I didn’t. I spent allot of mental energy laying out life plans, yearly goals and weekly tasks and beating myself up when I wasn’t focused enough to make get to those goals, plans and tasks. I always felt Id be living better if I did more of this and followed more of that, I had no idea how much I was “living” until I was just existing.
Now that I am physically able to get a life again I wonder what’s the point? To everyone else I look great and I'm doing good, but I don’t feel good; I'm lost. I need a plan; I need a plan… what would Tamara do?
2 comments:
I think one of the best things you can do is to make a big plan and go for it. It will help you to feel sane, and it will help your body to know that you're moving on and it needs to come with you. (Will that convince it? Maybe...)
And if you're working on your big plan and cancer interrupts it ... would that be worse than living in the meantime without goals? How long can you tread water before you need to swim? Or before you go insane? Or before you give up and drown?
You've been given more time to do what you want/need to do. Go and do it! If you don't, cancer wins. Or maybe the terrorists win. Either way, you're not the one winning.
Even when the cancer is gone, there's still a little voice that says, "What if it comes back?" Mine is still in there, and I'm almost to two years in remission. To hell with the voices and the "what if"s. You didn't go through chemo hell to be wishy washy. Go do it!
:)
You're right, so very right!
I'm about to swim (or sink)either way the treading is about to stop... I've always been a strong swimmer!
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