Outer beauty's not home right now, it's just me and MacGyver...

My eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning now along with what’s left of my hair. I hate what I look like in the morning. Some nights I go to bed sad that I’m alone in this, but I always wake up thankful that no man has to see this. But then my thought circles round again; if I were loved they would find me beautiful anyways and I would have someone to go to bed with. Hummm…

I do think inner beauty goes a long way, and that I do poses enough of it in the absence of my outer attributes to get me by. It just takes as much effort to invoke it on a daily basis as it does to paint on outer beauty. I’ve never had to call on it so much before; my inner beauty was a bonus, an “on top” of my outer beauty. I’m habitually described as “tall, gorgeous “and secondly,” funny or cool” by them to their buddies. Now I don’t know what they say, and that makes me nervous. I’ve always had a clear idea of my sexual appeal, and am learning how much I valued and needed it as part of my identity when dealing with… well everyone, not just men. Outer beauty was a tool I used to lure them in. People don’t see inner beauty in brief encounters, they see bald chick.

In someone’s day of dealing with the public, at the end of the day they can usually only recall 2 or 3 people that stand out in there mind; the rest are a blur of nobodies. I’m sure I was always one of those 2 or 3 and took pride in standing out in someone’s mind. Id hate to be part of the blur, the nobodies, to not register on their radar or worse yet register as something odd in their day.

More acceptance, patience and confidence is required for this note. Ha, acceptance… I was cleaning out the bathroom this morning and I can’t get rid of my hair elastics or clips! I’ve got a brush cut now, but who knows when those might come in handy? Maybe a friend will stop by with a hair emergency or Ill get trapped in the bathroom in a life or death situation and have to MacGyver myself out with a barrette and scrunchy. Yes, these are all very good reason to hang these things…. If I cannot master acceptance, patience and confidence today, then I will work on my ingenuity and MacGyver skills.

Observations on Losing Hair

Here's a few observations being 4 weeks into it you won’t read in any book:

- When it starts to go, it goes fast! I couldn't cut it all off without proof that it was going to fall out. The nurses warned me that it would go quickly, and it may be traumatic if I didn't bite the bullet and cut it before then - I didn't listen. It fell out for about 2 weeks before I cut it; that was about 1 week too long! If you are a "freaker outer" cut it on the 4th or 5th day your follicles start jumping ship. You'll have enough proof that they're mutinying without having to watch the ship sink.

- Don't shave your head completely. Get a hair dresser to cut it into some kind of pixie cut first keeping length on top or around your face because you may not go bald for awhile or at all. Short cuts can do thinning hair, I've rocked it for about 3 weeks and just went shorter last week... and now it seems to have stopped falling out. yay!

- Nothing screams cancer patient like a scarf or turban on a young chick; just live your truth or wig out.

- Wear bigger earrings and more eye make-up, you wont look over done. I've had to kick it up a notch and sport my evening looks during the day. In photo's coming back to me I found I looked really pale and naked with such little hair to draw attention to my face. I started using my former hair-styling time in the morning to Tammy-Faye the eyes and I look alive again.

- My armpit hair has stopped growing - yay:) Don't ask about the bikini... why god!?

- You may look like a stereotypical lesbian, a really cute lesbian, but one none the less. Here I was all worried no one would hit on me at the bars anymore:) If you're not gay, thank the ladies and what the heck, let them buy you a drink! Years from now you and your loved ones can fondly refer back this time as that year you were "experimenting" (with the hair lol), rather than that time you had Hodgkin's!

Canada Day - Pity Party - BYOP (Peanutbutter)

I seem to be writing this a lot lately:
“I just realized I didn’t send you a note back when you wrote me last week… duh! I am having a really rough time with the memory these days; I hear “they” call it chemo brain. Passing thoughts get filled into the “done & sent” pile before I get a chance to do them. (I think I’m getting way more done than I actually am – good for the ego, bad for production. Lol)”

Just came back from chemo, feel yucky this time. Most times I tolerate the drugs going in well and then in 48 hours I start to feel queasy, this time that feeling started the moment I was hooked up. Bourns! I’m not really a “I’m gonna puke kinda girl” (Id like to think its years of Jägermeister shots at the bar that have conditioned my stomach for chemo… I knew all that drinking would come in handy!) so when I say I’m nauseous , I mean it’s an overall off feeling that makes me feel icky and sometimes have a bad taste in my mouth. You know that feeling “after” a night of drinking and puking - minus the drinking and puking – that’s what I get. Although I really do think they should serve me a real cocktail with my chemo cocktail just to make it all better!

Had to pass up Canada Day plans, which are too bad as I think this is the first C-Day that it hasn’t rained in 5 years. I would have liked to be downtown today to see the buskers and fireworks on Parliament Hill tonight. So I’m trying to catch up on my notes listening to Jamiroquai on the itunes. (I can’t believe it’s been over 10 years since this album, Travelling Without Moving – 1996, came out!) (I can’t believe I’m not 16 anymore!!!) That’s it I’m hitting the 90’s dance mix next!

I’m feeling much better than I was last night mood wise. I was just furious at my mother last night when I learned from a friend that she has continued to send out “tam updates” to my friends and family. I knew that two months ago when I was in the hospital she was keeping everybody up to date, but I thought that had stopped once I got out. The when I went to send out photos and an update from my Martini’s for Hodgkin’s event I learned that she had beat me to it. Way to steal my thunder!

I have so few things in life right now that keep me busy and in communication with my world, that I feel like she was taking that outlet away from me because she needed something to keep her busy. We talked about it after the party and she seemed to understand about not sending out my big news but I guess had continued on with bi-weekly updates. Fast forward one month and I’m sitting here wondering why my friends and family out of town haven’t contacted me in months to see how I’m doing? I only learned about it last night when I sent out an update to a friend and she replied that she knew all about my current med’s and status thanks to Mum’s updates, and what else was new? Well shit – nothing! My new job day in and day out is taking care of me; some days it’s all I have to talk about.

It’s hard moving back home when it’s not on your terms, my cancer is very unreasonable. I’ve had to take a leave of absence from work, stop consulting independently too, have giant needles stabbed into my chest (biopsies) and back (bone marrow), have an oh-so unpleasant heart and lung draining, no one ever gives me anesthesia!, pack up my whole life into a storage unit and move me and my shoes back home (shoes – couldn’t afford a big enough storage unit. Lol) I’m back into my old bedroom recreated next door to my “very different from me sister” who answers most “questuccusations” with “whatever Tam” and the whole family eats different peanut butter than I do… grumble.

It’s hard to want/ accept help from people who eat gross peanut butter (ha!), even when you need it. It’s like sending someone to the store for PB and they come back with chunky… even there best efforts piss you off sometimes. Or maybe the chunky/ smooth debate is old news that went away when you moved out on your own, but now you’re back and their chunky peanut butter is hard to swallow some days.