I stepped outside and didn’t know where to go – I had no idea where my car was! No idea! I gave it a moments pause, like when you walk out of the mall and think “oh shoot where’d I put my car?” kinda pause; and nothing! Nothing! For 10 minutes I tried everything I could to trigger a memory of where I had parked the car just one hour ago. I walked up and down Elgin Street lost while other people hurried by drunk, laughing, and happily knowing where they were going. I was sober, I was not laughing, and I was miserable because I had no idea where I was going.
I remembered leaving the other bar and the three of us laughing and talking as I drove up to the next bar. I remembered us circling the block once and then nothing. I tried to think about how I parked the car, was it in a spot or on the side of the road? Which direction did we walk from? How long was the walk? Nothing! It’s the worst feeling; a chunk of your memory is gone, just gone. It was one o’clock in the morning and I was standing on the sidewalk not knowing what to do or where to go. Chemo Brain!
I decided to try walking up and down some of the closets roads, because I had a sense that we didn’t park far away, but I didn’t know if we were north, south, east, west – nothing! I thought maybe a landmark might jog my memory, or I tried to recall what we were talking about in the car – anything to bring the experience back, but it was gone! GONE!
In the end it was my car flashy thing that found my car when I saw the lights, not me. I was not able to draw upon one single flash or speck of memory about parking the car that assisted me in finding the car. Thank god I have a new car with a keyless lock flashy thing. Thank god the weather has warmed.
At first when I approached the car I had no memory of how it got there, almost the same feeling as if someone else had put it there and I was surprised and trying to make sense of it. And then a small detail emerged, I remembered waiting for someone else to pull out so I could have the spot, and then today more details. But nothing at the time.
This is scaring the pants off me! This is the second big “memory chunk lost” incident this month, with many little ones daily. What the hell am I going to do with this “fabulous” opportunity at life after cancer when yet another aspect of the quality of that life is being taken from me. How am I going to do my job well? The only advantage I have over another is being sharp, organized and a mind for remembering details. What am I going to do if I can’t even remember the basics let alone the details?
1 comment:
It does get better. My memory is not as bad as it was during or right after treatment, but it still ain't right. I sometimes carry a small notebook and pen so I can write things down. I write down EVERYTHING at work. It's hectic enough there that I was prone to forgetting things mentioned in passing BEFORE chemo; there's no hope to remember it all now.
It is weird having huge pieces of memory just missing. Before chemo, I was the one who remembered all of the conversations my husband and I had. Now, several times he's said to me, "We talked about this last week." I don't remember the conversation. I don't remember the content. I don't remember talking about it at all.
My brother asked me to do a reading at his wedding. Didn't remember. Once he reminded me, over the next couple of days, I was able to fill in details about the original conversation about it.
It's weird. I don't like it. I'll let you know if I hear of anything that helps, and you let me know the same!
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