get some fu@kin help, you need it...........

Today was a two therapy session day. I met with the social worker in the morning and my therapist in the afternoon. By the end of the day I was thoroughly talked out and wrung out.
Talking to a professional is very purging, and since then have been feeling a bit more inspired. I'm telling ya, talking can be so healing. And not just to your friends, try someone bias that is paid to listen to your emotional vomit. Again totally purging!
I always thought finding the solution to a problem was the answer to the worry, so I spent allot of emotional effort seeking the answer. But I'm really seeing how the process of articulating the problem can be just as valuable as the solution in elevating the worry.

My current Theme Song:

I can't style my new hair... today I looked like Julie Andrews opening scene Sound of Music... "how do you solve a problem like a cowlick, how do you catch a curl and pin it down?" or "these are a few of my hairest things..." or how about "when your bangs bite, and the iron stings, when it's all a shag... I simply remember I was formerly bald... and then I don't feel so bad!"

what would Tamara do?

I'm lost and I'm not feeling very good about myself lately. I'm doing everything right, but it just feels all wrong. I get up, I go to work, I eat well, I exercise (not as much as I should – but that’s no the point… in-fact that’s pretty same old same old) and I socialize, I go to the movies, I make inappropriate jokes about what people are wearing and I flip off slow drivers… you know the same shit I always did.

I’m the same, but I'm not the same. There are so many little ways, mannerisms, thoughts and actions that I take that are perfectly normal for the situation but I'm surprised they came from me. I’ve changed, and of course things around me are always changing but my reliable reactions and responses have changed. I find myself thinking “what would Tamara do?” because it’s not second nature to just do it.
In this scene Tamara will be playing the role of Tamara, wow she is good… just like the real Tamara; you’d be hard pressed to tell them apart.

It’s hard to feel like you’re really living when your playing the role of who you used to be until you figure out who you are. This feeling of not really living, rather just existing is with me constantly and is perpetuated on so many levels. It starts with not having a plan. We don’t know if the cancer is gone, and if it is, we don’t know if it’s coming back so I'm just waiting.

How do you get up and get involved in any aspect of life when you never know when today’s plans will change or where tomorrows will take you? I don’t work like that; I need larger plans and goals, so I am really struggling on a fundamental level and existing CAT scan to CAT scan.

The funny thing is I didn’t really know that about myself until now. Well I did and I didn’t. I spent allot of mental energy laying out life plans, yearly goals and weekly tasks and beating myself up when I wasn’t focused enough to make get to those goals, plans and tasks. I always felt Id be living better if I did more of this and followed more of that, I had no idea how much I was “living” until I was just existing.

Now that I am physically able to get a life again I wonder what’s the point? To everyone else I look great and I'm doing good, but I don’t feel good; I'm lost. I need a plan; I need a plan… what would Tamara do?